A biker is riding by the zoo, when  he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket
and tries  to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her 
screaming parents. The biker jumps  off his bike, runs to the cage and
hits the lion square  on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from
the pain  the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker 
brings her to her terrified  parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen  the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says
- Sir,  this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my 
whole life. 

- Why, it was nothing, really, the  lion was behind bars. I just saw this
little kid in danger,  and acted as I felt right.

- Well, I'll make sure this won't  go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you
know, and tomorrow's  papers will have this on the first page. What
motorcycle  do you ride?

- A Harley Davidson. 

The journalist leaves. 
The following morning the biker  buys the paper to see if it indeed
brings news of his  actions, and reads, on first page:

BIKER GANG MEMBER  ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him.  Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into the valley,

Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

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(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

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'What's a headache?'

A recent study found the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.



Steve

The Preacher's Son

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.  "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

"He's gonna run for Congress."



Steve

When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he join the army. At the induction physical, the medical doctor directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across the room.

"What chart doc?" the young man asked.

'The one on the wall!' The doctor said.

"What wall?

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked his beautiful nurse to strip and walk into the room naked.

"What do you see now, son?"

"Doc, I can't see a thing, I'm must be blind as a bat."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said, "but your dick is pointing straight toward Fort Benning, GA!

People of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.



Steve

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

**********************************************************

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.  I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'

'It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned.'

'Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda, no.  In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

**************************************************************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"