Hello, is this the Police?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.

The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

"I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish", says the old guy, "and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well."

"Well", says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old", says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."

"Well", the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"

"He's 118 years old", says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"

"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

SCAM ALERT

A 'heads up' warning for all men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very hot 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also September 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.  A police officer stops him and says that he can't drive around with the penguins in the car and he should take them to the zoo.  The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back again.  He is stopped by the same police officer who says, "Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo."

The man replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach."

At the end of the sex education class,the teacher told her third graders to go home, watch TV, find something about human sexual behavior, and report it to the class the next day.

The next day, the teacher asked if anyone saw anything on TV that relates to sex.

Little Suzy raised her hand and said "I saw a man and woman kissing".
"Very good", replied the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Jennifer raised her hand and said "I saw a woman in the hospital having a baby". "Wonderful, Jennifer, that's great" said the teacher.

Then Little Johnny stood up in the back of the room and beamed "I saw The Lone Ranger kill a whole tribe of Indians with his bare hands!"

Puzzled, the teacher said "That's nice Johnny, but what does that have to do with sex?"

Little Johnny replied "It sure taught them Indians not to screw with The Lone Ranger!"

Three soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.

One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we'd be able to see it land if I threw the peel out?" Out the peel goes and they all watch it, but don't see it land.

One of the soldiers has a rock and says, "This is bigger, we should be able to see it land." They all watch, but don't see it land.

The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out the door. "We'll see that when it hits!" They watch, but still nothing.

Walking home they see a little girl crying and ask her, "What's wrong".

"Well, I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."

The soldiers explained what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head. They ask, "What happened?"

The boy said, "I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."

They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade. One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically. He asks her, "What's so funny?"

The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!"